Marketing That Sucks

Today’s post is about marketing. Marketing. MARKETING.

(Got that SEO gods?)

The internet has certainly changed some things about marketing. Some of it good: For people like me, video finding a consistent place in branding is great. Some of it bad – and this being my blog, I’m going to complain some about the bad.

SEO
Yeah, I went there. SEO – or Search Engine Optimization – essentially is how quickly your site or page will come up on a Google search (okay, Bing or Yahoo too but…c’mon). Things that affect this include: (1) How often your key words appear in the article (which makes sense), (2) If the article has pictures (okay…), and (3) If it can be read by a 5th grader (yeah, seriously). Talk about pandering to the lowest common denominator (sorry SEO, not sure that you learn about denominators until the 6th grade).

CLICK-BAIT HEADLINES
C’mon, we’ve all seen them:
“You won’t BELIEVE what happens NEXT!”
“This is just CRAZY and STUNNING!”
“Please oh please oh for the love of GOD CLICK HERE NOW!!!”

Okay, so I made that last one up (probably). But there’s only a certain number of times you can call something “stunning”, or say that “you won’t believe” something else. After a while, you’re just the crazy dude on the corner howling about Michael Jackson coming back from the dead to eat your brain.

MOVIE SPOILERS
We’ve gotten to the point where if people don’t know the entire plot of the movie they’re about to see, then they won’t go see it. At least, that’s what the studios will have you believe. Terminator: Genisys revealed it’s major plot twist in its third trailer, and seeing it after made the film feel a little paint-by-numbers because of that. Apparently, X-Men: Apocalypse, next summer’s X-Men sequel, shows the final scene in the trailer.

Does this make sense to anyone? Don’t you want to go to the movies and be surprised by what you see? Isn’t this kind of the point?

NEW CUSTOMER DISCOUNT & OTHER WACKY SALES
This one’s pretty obvious: You’re going to give someone a discount for signing up as a new customer, while your loyal customers are paying full price. Maybe that’ll provide a temporary spike in the short-term, but for how long can this possibly work?

My other favorite in this realm is the ginormous sales, such as the suit place that has the “buy one, get three free” sales every five seconds. My questions: (1) The suit must have an absurd markup, and therefore (2) Why would I every buy just one suit? Just charge the appropriate prices to begin with.

THE NEWS
This might as well be a real statement: “We’d cover the Syrian war or the refugee crisis, but because you’d change the channel, here’s another picture of Kim Kardashian’s butt”.

Enough said.